Strike a Light

Essex County Council is to carry out a feasibility study with a view to lighting up Colchester High Street with gas lanterns.

The plan has come about following the decision to save on electricity costs by turning off the street lighting during the early hours.

The Chronic understands that the Energy and Efficiency Team at Chelmsford has been consulting prominent local historian Tristan Spark over the design and authenticity of the old street lighting.

If the plan goes ahead then the High Street can once again resemble an old Edwardian picture postcard scene, albeit one with a McDonalds and a Wimpy.

Alan Moneypenny, the Head of the Energy and Efficiency Team at ECC told The Chronic:

“We have received criticism from Colchester residents ever since we turned the lights off in the town. We would like to reassure the people of the town that in no way does Essex County Council view Colchester as the ugly duckling of Essex.”

The cost saving for the retro scheme comes via an ingenious piece of Victorian engineering. ECC engineers have devised a method that will see Jumbo restored to full working order, and then be able to generate enough electricity to power the High Street.

Moneypenny added:

“So what if the gas lanterns are actually powered by electricity? You offer the people of Colchester light and all they can do is bang on about the authenticity of Victorian engineering. Is this a forward thinking town or what?”

The sums that The Chronic has seen show that it will actually cost more money to buy Jumbo back from that chicken farmer, and then put in place the necessary machinery in order light up the High Street.

ECC will vote on the proposals when it next meets in 2052. If the plan is rejected then the local authority is considering bringing back horse drawn carts to the High Street with a bicycle style dynamo attached to the rear wheel.

“Killing two bloody Colchester birds with one stone!”

…exclaimed a clearly excitable Moneypenny.

“We’ll give those buggers the light that they crave for, as well as shutting them up over not being allowed to drive cattle down the High Street.”

The Head of the Energy and Efficiency Team at ECC sadly then spontaneously combusted.